This last week (w/c 15/03/21) I passed a big milestone. I completed my (hopefully) final six month review and now move into the last phase of my PhD. And importantly, I do so on a high, with confidence and clarity. Feelings I have found rare and fleeting over the course of my studies.
Undertaking a PhD is a funny thing really. You are constantly fluctuating on a continuum between feeling under control and confident in the direction of the thesis and overwhelmed by doubt and occasionally disillusionment. Do I really know anything, and if I do how am I going to apply the knowing to make a novel, valuable contribution to knowledge? What even is knowledge?
There have been weeks where I have struggled to get out of bed in the mornings, or make any coherent and meaningful progress towards the looming completion date tentatively set for the first of October. But there are also weeks where I have felt enlightened, the pathway to completion appears to solidify out of the fog and the meaningfulness of my contribution feels clear. It is on these days and weeks that I feel in tune with the my work, able to flow into it and out of it with ease. Able to see the interconnections and relationships between the disparate aspects of my research and learning over the years. I now appreciate the struggles as part of the natural cycle of learning, and understand that it is because of these struggles that moments of clarity are made possible.
Of course, the pathway that solidifies is rarely the same. It is just one potential pathway, that stands out in that period of focus. There have been many since I first began this journey. If I were to identify the recurring themes, the thick trunks of my research, I would say they are Cryptography, Healthcare, Identity. Although, there have been many other branches I have sunk a day, week or month into.
This week was one of my best. Cresting a wave in this cycle that was rock bottom at the end of October 2020. This week I felt my pathway to completion crystallise further in my mind. The separate trunks are now interconnected, mutually supporting branches of my thesis. It has structure and is directed and constrained by research questions with clear objectives. Within the structure, I am discovering ways of expressing my self and impressing onto others the social disciplines that have made deep impressions on my thought over the course of my research. Thanks Philip!
This feeling of solidification is reward for the last six months of hard slog, painfully hard at times, in which I ground out a (mostly complete) first draft of my thesis. I at least attempted to write every Chapter, sat with it in my mind and attempted to convert thoughts to words on a page. The process has been educational. The act of writing is itself a process of thought that demands structure, so structure must be designed or discovered. Where it is lacking, writing struggles to flow. Reflecting on these last two sentences, I am reminded of my recent exploration of the structure of memory. Some wacky but also intriguing ideas if your interested.
Amway where was I. I am reaping the rewards of this effort now though. This week it's shape and form has fallen into place in a way it has never before. Thanks in part to the probing questions of my panel chair who keeps me honest and has consistently tried to make sure I pick a path. Making sure I have my research questions, that I understand my contribution and know the steps left to take.
It finally feels like I have this. This week. Wow. I was on fire.
On Sunday I started by dusting off my writing cave, a box room without windows that I haven't inhabited really since before Christmas. Well I tidied it up and it has become my morning writing sanctuary.
Sunday really set the tone for the week. I made a delicious veggie sausage casserole and some flatbreads and had a right good chill. I am really enjoying my weekend periods of reflection lately, often lubricated with some combination of mushrooms from the Pentland Hills, beer from the salt horse or whiskey of some description. My favourite of late being Sazerac rye whiskey from New Orleans. Daym it is gooood.
On Monday I got to work. My current Chapter in focus is the Literature Review, this week I worked on trust. Which after completing Trust and Power by Luhmann was top of my thoughts. And is even more so after digesting many fascinating contributions to our understanding of this concept. I hope to have this section done this week before moving onto Identity. My literature review is going to be an interesting one, focusing primarily on human, sociological aspects of Identity, Trust and Privacy before attempting to understand these concepts in the virtual environments we are now embedded in so that we might better apply them when designing digital structure. It is going to go deep. Hopefully I can slip it past my supervisor ;)
Here are some of my notes.
TL;DR - Trust is a learned behaviour, attitude or belief that helps us reduce social complexity as we orient ourselves towards the future. It is foundational to how we process experience and structure our representations of reality.
I also went for my first run of the year lol.
Tuesday was my actual 6 month review meeting and cause to celebrate. This entire week was cause to celebrate actually. On Tuesday I did so by taking my motorbike out for my first proper ride in the morning . Thanks Sam! It was beautiful and exhilarating just don't tell my gran.
Only bad thing to happen to me this week is the bloody bike seems to have fallen over since this ride and will no longer turn on. Just my luck, literally had it two weeks and already been to the garage twice. Money sink. Still it is glorious to be out and about on the roads around Edinburgh. Especially in the spring sunshine. Another cause to celebrate really, apart from the mishap, as it represents the achievement of a personal objective of mine since first moving up to Edinburgh. I have many epic memories from my time in biking Vietnam on a bike. Years ago now.
Wednesday was more of the same, just a solid day of work. I do a lot of work these days and have to manage a lot of competing demands on my time, making sure to prioritise writing and other PhD related activities. Although increasingly I am appreciating the value I gain by participating in multiple spheres of action, that are not obviously contributing to the successful completion of my studies. Not directly, but certainly indirectly. They provide me with places to experiment, learn and collaborate on my ideas with others. Each of my commitments brings value to me, so I must continue to manage them as best I can as I enter the final sprint.
Not that it is a competition, or should the exploration of knowledge ever be seen as one, but because there is a deadline approaching. While I would love to explore and learn in the kind of relationship I have had with my research indefinitely, a deadline brings urgency and demands rigour, consistency and determination. We all need these in our lives from time to time.
Thursday was an epic day thesis wise. I have been collaborating with another researcher for the past weeks to create a goal oriented model of the Scottish Healthcare system using this thing called the i* modelling framework. The output from this work, after a spurt of creative energy last Sunday, They are pretty comprehensive models that are going to form the backbone of my design and implementation section for the thesis. Well on Thursday I had the pleasure of reconnecting with a friend in the Royal College of Physicians of Edinburgh to show these models and discuss how we might go about evaluating them. I hope to run another workshop. on this in early May, getting facetime with people who these systems will so closely impact. Here is a current version of the model from a particular perspective that illustrates the complexity of the system under study.
I am hella excited about the future potential of these next stages, if slightly apprehensive about the timescales and challenges of pulling off such a project. I have done it before though and healthcare professional credentialing is a domain I have come to know relatively intimately throughout the duration of my research.
Friday was well Friday, whats not to like. It was a bit more chilled out than other days. Always we need this time, time to process. To step back. To draw connections, and see the wider landscape. Friday and my weekends lately have been exactly this lately.
It was on Friday that I sat on my bed looking at my desk that I realised how much meaning that this view had for me. A snapshot of my life in many ways. As well as the place that I have largely resided for the last 12 months.
On Saturday I attended an unconference generatively populated by old friends and new faces that I felt I made meaningful connections with as we engaged in some philosophically deep, thought-provoking discussions. More on that another time perhaps.
Summary
The thing is this week I saw a route to completion by the beginning of October more clearly than ever before. In fact I would almost go as far as to say I feel confident that I can reach that goal. But we will see. I know from experience there will be many ups and downs along the way, I must try my best to dampen these oscillations and stay focused on the task at hand. In my head I have a picture of the output I would like to produce, that I know I am capable of producing, I just need to give myself the chance by carving out that precious writing time and being cautious not to over-commit.
I estimate my thesis roughly is 30% complete, the next major push is to get a coherent and complete draft in time for a thorough review and meticulous polishing. Throughout April I will re-write my literature review in which I hope to reflect the complex nature of the human interactions that digital technologies are attempting to mediate. Throughout May my attention will shift to the implementation and evaluation chapters. Then towards the end of June I hope to be revisiting the cryptographic, mathematical aspects of my thesis. This has been another consistent cycle throughout my studies, the desire to learn, know and understand cryptography at a fundamental level. See this for a funny example of me talking through my frustrations whilst trying to do exactly this in my 5th week. It is this experience, having recently grappled with learning cryptography, that gives me confidence I have a novel contribution to share here. From way back in 2018 first peering through the cracks of cryptographic thought I struggled to find purchase on the object of my research. I couldn't see or intuitively understand the structure around which the ideas within the field were interrelated. I believe I have a useful framing that can help us structure cryptographic thought based on the information I wished I had known when first embarking on this journey. Cryptography has layers, or shells, each enabling and constraining the layer above right down to the fundamental mathematical foundations on which it is built. It is my opinion that these foundations exist, and must be discovered. Cryptography is then the application of these discoveries to design protocols for information flows, based on human use cases many of which were first envisioned in the 1980's.
Cryptography is especially fascinating to me because it is a space where we can place mathematical bounds on complexity giving us assurance about properties of digital information. To attempt to comprehend complexity theoretic cryptographic security is mind boggling. Anyway I intend to present my map and mental model for cryptographic thought, and use this map to orient the reader within the analysis of privacy-enhancing attribute-based credentials. This is the piece that I know I can write incredibly well, but also could run out of time for. Fortunately, this is the area I have written most deeply in to date. What is left is a restructuring of content around this new framing. Helping the reader see the cryptographic protocol under study through the ontological lens of the map, which I think can be as powerful as the periodic table was to chemistry. Here's a sneak peak.
Sorry I went off down a rabbit hole there. Cryptography in cool, trust me.
Back to the summary... By mid July I want to have this complete, unpolished but coherent whole. Giving me two months to make my work shine.
The happy path.
I know all too well that in these rare moments of clarity, the happy path seems obvious and easy to follow. My experience tells me their will be bumps in the road. Moments of doubt. Of stress. I have confidence I will overcome them because I have been there before. These oscillations are part of the rhythm of life I feel, like the cycles of the moon. I must learn to work with them.
If last week was the peak of an upward cycle that started when the first sun came back out then perhaps I am on my way back down. Certainly I would do well to trump last week. However, I do not think I will reach the same depths of despair that I have at times before. I have structure and clear objectives for what comes next. I have experience. And I also have my lovely Kathy, who will be joining me in Edinburgh soon. She is sure to bring joy and relaxation to my mind.
Anyways. Gosh I have rambled on.
I will close with me basking in the Scottish sunshine.
Audience
Whenever I write these, I often find myself questioning who I am writing them to. Who is my audience, and which aspects of my many selves do I want to present to them - probably I have been reading too many books on identity. Anyway, the point is I do wonder about it. And since you, dear reader, have been my audience if you are reading this then I thought I would express my thoughts on this matter.
This writing is primarily for myself, both in this present moment as a mechanism for reflection and for my future self as a record of memory. As such my "style" of writing might seem a bit strange to you. Indeed sometimes it does to me too. I hope you will forgive me, but the ability to express myself in the moment without the constraints of academic structure or care for how it might be perceived is, it seems to me, a valuable thing. Of course one cannot escape the influences of social norms and the natural desire to leave a good impression as easily as I would have you believe, but in this kind of writing I try to be as carefree as I can be. Judge me as you like.
Second, this writing is for my family and friends. Especially you Nanny and Granddad - hope you made it to the end! I often feel guilty I don't make more time to check in with you. It has been a while since I wrote for pleasure like this and it is my way of updating anyone who cares to know what is going on with me. Way back in April 2020 in fact, to reflect on and in many ways celebrate a lovely first lockdown spent with Kathy.
So this text is some strange mashup of styles I suppose, in part a thesis diary like back at the beginning of my journey and in other parts a friendly Snip.
If I don't know you but you have made this far, I appreciate you gifting me your attention. I hope you got some value from it. You should (I think) have a decent insight into my humanness. Maybe you could even say my identity. I am sure we could be friends.
Anyway, time to go. Ending and polishing these things always takes too long.